Life taking its course

It has been a few months of so much unraveling before our eyes. Like literally the whole of 2020 has given us a lot of aha moments. I have had my share of struggles which seem less daunting when I compare with other people’s struggles in different parts of the world. But a struggle is a struggle. Big or small, right?

A lot of times we disregard what we are experiencing in our personal spaces because it seems not to measure up to other people’s definition of problems. It sometimes becomes clear that you are struggling when someone points it out to you, or when your body sends you signals like for example, burnout. Some of us will struggle silently. Some of us will try to cry for help and will sadly not be heard. Some of us will feel all alone and won’t know where to turn to. Some of us will sink into depression. Unfortunately some of us will opt to end their lives.

I struggled like any other person to accept the new reality of things and the uncertainty of it all. I think the Pandemic affected everyone in one way or another and the majority even worse. Some adapted quicker and got around the hang of things and others not. Many among us are struggling to hang on to their last string of hope. Are we seeing them? Are we hearing them? Are we sharing our struggles with each other? Are we uplifting one another? Are we asking for help?

Like most, I have had very overwhelming moments in the last few months. I easily absorb whatever is happening around me (both positive and negative) which often weighs heavily in my heart and mind. A lot of bad things happening to good people weighs even heavier on me. It takes more than a deep breath to find an even ground when am experiencing all sorts of emotions at the same time. Strains of being an empath.

I’ve struggled with self-discipline in various aspects of my life. A lot. For me, that is more like letting life take its course and me not doing quite much about it. However, I embrace every little struggle I have been dealt with, because in each one of them I have learnt a thing or two about myself and about the world I live in. Before the beginning of the pandemic, I had somewhat set some goals for myself and the truth is, I have been successfully failing. I know for a fact that most of my failures have been driven by fear. Fear so strong that I end up not pushing harder or even at all. I have resolutions from last year that I haven’t worked on.

I have failed to finish reading a book in the last two months. I thought the whole problem lay in how the book was written so I started rereading ‘The Alchemist’, a very tiny powerful book, and even that I haven’t finished. I added up to my library and even so the books are collecting dust. Thank God there is no shelf life for books.

I have shed tears from all the injustices that have been brought to light in the last few months. Which is something I don’t want to get into right now and you probably have had enough of. These have made me question my significance and purpose in this world. What is my role in all of it? I have wondered how best I can be part of the fight without losing myself in it. Nevertheless, I pray and hope that a huge shift happens and that we all experience it in an immeasurable magnitude. May we feel the change we are fighting for. In all aspects.

I have been on edge this whole time, praying and trying to be there for a close friend who has been battling cancer. Months on end now. It has been nerve-racking to have my friend go through each and every procedure through the pandemic and at some point not being able to be with them physically, due to the preventive measures against Covid-19.

Loving someone and being there for them by creating distance has been understandably a hard irony to register.

I have been very angry at death happening during this period because people we love couldn’t be offered a befitting send-off. That hits so hard. I have been angered by people using this pandemic to fulfill their calculated selfish shenanigans. If this isn’t the time for people to be more compassionate with one another then I question humanity.

The list of things am angry about is too lengthy, and I try not to let it get the best of me. There is a strain in every single aspect of my life right now. My mental hygiene isn’t exactly what I would like it to be like.

I am trying to work on myself by creating realistic and achievable goals. I want to be a better daughter, sister and friend. I am trying to resist procrastination. I am trying to find healthier ways to overcome fear. I want to be bold. I want to ace my goals. I want to be happier. I want to always have hope. I want to take charge of my life in ways I will look back and be proud of milestones I conquer. I don’t want to look back and say life just happened. I need to apply force and discipline in anything I want to do. I want to do more and do it better. I feel so empowered right now putting this down. This is the feeling I want to hang on to.

My heart truly goes out to every one of those who have lost and lost greatly. Those whose entire existence has been tested. Those who still are unable to find balance even when things seem to be getting better. Let us all hope that better days are to come. Let us reach out to one another. It’s not okay when things aren’t going well. But it’s okay not to be okay. Sometimes we need things not to be okay to find ourselves. We should not shy from seeking help. I believe there is always a solution to any problem. Whatever it is you are going through, you can find direction and help.

Do Not Harm Yourself

If you feel you have hit rock bottom and are struggling to find your ground and you need to talk about it, reach out to me privately. I am a good listener and some people tell me I make them laugh so I might make you laugh too and who knows, we both might find the help we are seeking. 

xoxo