19 years gone but still felt.

Yesterday, 18.4.2020 marked 19 years since my mother passed away. On this date every year for the past few years  I have written something down in her memory. Yesterday was a bit different. I could feel that something was bugging me but I couldn’t place what it was. My feelings weren’t alright and it is only later in the afternoon that a person dear to me called me and mentioned they were checking on me because it was that day. Wrapping my mind to what day it was it just occurred to me that it was my mothers memorial.

I felt guilty for not remembering something so close to my heart. Earlier on I had tried to remember what day it was. This Corona times have tried me. I forget what day and what date it is so easily unless I have to go to work. But deep in my heart there was an unshakable feeling that was trying to tell me something. Only I was too occupied.

It is a beautiful feeling to have someone who follows and pays attention to aspects of your journey that mean the world to you. During this phone call is when the realization of why I was feeling the way I was dawned on me. Every year, the 18th of April has always being an emotional day for me. I always take that day to say a special prayer for my mother and her soul and just reflect on everything I have become and hope that even in her afterlife she is proud of me.

If you have read my articles like this , there are some I talk about the woman she was and bits of her that I took after. Her demise changed my life in ways I can’t begin to comprehend. It hasn’t been easy but life has to be lived. I have to find ways to make my life make sense. In doing so I am happy to have found little ways to cope with her loss. Yes to cope, because losing a mother isn’t something you ever get over. At least for me. Her death left a scar that will never fade and a hole that can never be filled.

However, in her loss I have found blessings. In her loss I have found myself. In her loss I have grown. That despite losing her I have been loved, I have done okay, I have always felt her love and so on. I know it isn’t easy to find a blessing or happiness in death, but struggles such as these have taught me to open my eyes and to see the beauty that surrounds me. That what I have lost doesn’t mean the end of my life. That there is always hope in hopeless situations.

I am blessed and happy to be able to share my journey with you. It is one way I cope with my struggles. A struggle big as this is hard to maneuver through. That’s why it is important for me to surround myself with the right energy, and to let in special people who share in the loss with me. It has helped me to come from grieving my mother in unhealthy ways that sunk me into depression into celebrating her and appreciating the time we had together.

If you are dealing with this kind of loss feel free to contact me and we can just talk about it and cry together if need be. Unlike some years back where I couldn’t even begin to tell stories of my mother leave alone talking of how losing her affected me, I now find joy in talking about her and not shying from remembering and celebrating a life she lived.

Rip. Racheal (Mom) ♥️