I was in a charity event recently and got to mingle with some interesting people. One Nigerian boy came in the company of a gorgeous woman. We all happened to sit at the same table. I couldn’t help but admire the love and bond that this couple portrayed. They seemed into each other, laughing and giggling and just making merry. They painted the kind of picture that will want you to have a significant other by your side.
Towards the end of the event, while saying our goodbyes, the guy insisted to show us, my friend and I to the exit. I didn’t object. Then in a lowered voice and close to my ear he said that he liked me a lot and would like to meet me on a separate date. Just the two of us. By this time I’m like, noooo hold up what are you trying? You just left your girl in there to come shoot your blunt shot? A girl you were calling wife a few minutes ago. Smh! I felt so disappointed for his girl, and even sadder for him betraying the love I had so admired the whole night. Did he just bring this girl with him as an accessory or what? It beats me. And just like that a vibe and a possible friendship was destroyed.
This kind of showed me that some of these boys out here don’t respect women at all. They take women as toys. In the commotion of everything happening, he sent his girl home alone even after the girl asked him to go home together. After the girl left, he boldly said, “I can’t follow a white woman, if it’s a black woman I would follow her. I know how to handle these white women…” by this point I’m like Holy spirit save me.
Who are these men who brag they know how to handle women? In what way do they actually mean that? Is there a difference in “handling” a white woman and a black woman as this guy was clearly implying? Please correct me if I can confidently say that most of these men are the controlling and toxic kind that use their patronizing touch to make a woman feel loved but in the real sense they are in the relationship for their own personal calculated gain.
I don’t know how in his seemingly functional and sane mind he would have thought there would be a chance to bag me in that way. I find it disgusting and awful behavior for any woman in my situation to condone such and enable a man to disrespect their girl like that by agreeing to such advances. Say you agree to these advances, what would make this man not to do the same to you or what will make him treat you better, whatever better means in this case. I left first and my friend was left waiting for her taxi. The next morning she told me that the guy was telling her the same same things of how much he liked her.
I have received a fair share of romantic advances specifically from my Nigerian brothers. Feels good to return that favor of calling them brothers. Because the number of times I have been called sister on the street is overwhelming. A particular Nigerian man will confidently tell you everything they think you want to hear. They will presume how you want them to treat you. It is as if most of these have one manual they share to declare love.
He will describe your beauty better than your mother ever did. They will show you this grand love that so many girls yearn for. They will possess you and showcase you for the world to see. They will make bottles rain on your table if that is what turns you on. They have mastered the art to sweep your shaky feet off the ground, until when you realize the same things they are telling you are the same same things they are telling your friend(s) behind your back. You are not special to them. You are a toy, an accessory. You are for now, a stepping stone to the next if they aren’t already double dealing you. This ambitious bold and boosting man covered with a bit of religion will do you dirty.
There are these characters who used to stop me or follow me aimlessly on the streets while I was running my errands. I can write a whole book on my encounters with Nigerian boys, but I’ll spare you the agony. It normally started with a greeting and if I greeted back it suddenly seemed like an invitation for them to talk to me more. So they followed me showering me with those sweet nothings.
Let me try and be as accurate as I possibly can and describe how the dialogue would mostly be like.
Him: Hallo sister?
Me(sister) : Hi
Him: What’s your name?
Him: Where are you from?
Him: oooh Kenyaaaa . Beautiful place
Him: How long have you been here?
Me: 2 years
Him: ah! Not long. So you don’t know anytin, I’ll show you everytin
Me: (no reaction)
Him: You have a boy friend?
Him: owkey, Black or White?
Me: (before I knew the reason behind this question I would foolishly and truthfully answer) White. ( And if I said black then they would ask Kenyan or Nigerian lol) (as I got to understand later, if you say you are dating a Nigerian man they would either dig to know from which ethnicity, or they would just leave you in peace because they don’t like to fight each other on that)
Him: So you don’t have a black boyfriend?
Me: (quite dismayed) No! Why would I need two boyfriends at the same time?
Him: (lets out an evil laughter) ehee you know iz different na. You need a black guy to take good care of you…give me your nomba. Your white boyfriend doesn’t need to know…I like you very moch. You are too beautiful…I want to friend you…Bla bla bla
Me: (totally confused and appalled) Boy bye!
This happened a lot until I stopped greeting back because I knew where it would lead. This kind of a man clearly has no respect for me, my boyfriend or my relationship for that matter. But for him to have the guts to say this to a random woman it means he has been successful over and over before. Someone has to have enabled this behavior. Or we can also argue that this is a go getter attitude, shoot your shot until it works. Whatever it is, well to each their own.
This reminds me that in the beginning of my being here, there were countable characters, particularly from my homeland that really didn’t believe in my interracial relationship at the time. I wasn’t only getting backlash from my Nigerian brothers, but also my Kenyan brothers and some Kenyan sisters. There is an ill notion that if a white guy is dating a black girl, the girl is in it to be financially uplifted or for the papers.
It made me so mad and disappointed when people assumed and even told me, “you are clever, he will give you papers.” This White Saviorism bullshit is painted even on the most innocent of relationships. I was so naive I nearly doubted my relationship and it almost got to me why people disapproved of a relationship they new nothing about. Some of my Kenyan ladies told me to date older white men, that dating a student was a mistake. . C’mon now, really people?! Really?
I know you can argue with me that some people get into some relationships for other reasons but love. There are definitely those, but in this space, my space, I am defending the pure and honest kind of love. And this goes to show you that there will always be people pulling you down no matter what you do, even if it doesn’t affect them directly. People will always have something to say about your relationship(s), what you wear, how you sleep, where you live, when you should have kids and how many you should have and with whom etc. it’s not news. Hence beware of those you welcome into your space.
A Kenyan boy who was once in love with me shamelessly gave my interracial relationship a 6 month ultimatum. With the argument that white men cannot fulfill a black woman. But for crying out loud, however much we are living in a world of endless possibilities, orientations and peculiar fetish and justifying almost any behavior by inventing a right, who said an interracial couple cannot be successful without either one seeking fulfillment of some kind elsewhere? We are all in a specific relationship for a reason(s) best known to us.
So I find it annoying when some people try to rate your relationship or the seriousness of it by reaching to know if you are dating or married to a white, black, caucasian or whatever person. I honestly don’t get the fuss. Each has their own preferences and no one is supposed to undermine or belittle that. So you can care for your own preferences without having the urge to rub or infect them on others because you think you know what they need.
I honestly don’t know the level of spirituality you need to have to be able to discern dishonesty, deception, toxicity and rotten manners from a so called significant other, or an aspiring significant other but I do want to believe that if sometimes we used our head a bit more than our heart and also actually paid a bit more attention to our gut when choosing a partner then there should be a sign, a red flag or red flags before committing.
And dear woman, who wants to be in a “successful relationship”, be cautious of how he bags you or how you bag him, because you might think you are bad ass but they say karma is a badder bitch and that old habits die hard. If you know you know.
I beg you, before you come at me with, “oh why are you bad mouthing our brothers?,” Just know I am not. It’s from my personal view taken from several specific encounters I have had. And again it’s not all of them. There are good ones and I Stan them. I am talking about those who in my opinion disrespect women so unashamed, and those who will want to spoil something good going on for you so they can have their way with you. It definitely isn’t only in the Nigerian community like I mentioned before. And that you already know.
So I’m not sorry sharing this.
Happy Valentines Lovers
As usual we can chat on the comment section. Tell me anything you have experienced related to the above. Or generally your take on these blunt shots.