For the love of sex
I have been on mother earth long enough to learn to be more comfortable in talking about everything sex. A complex topic. Learning and unlearning what sex is and what sex isn’t. Most importantly I have unlearned that sex isn’t bad manners. Sex isn’t sin. I wonder how many people refer to this act as “tabia mbaya” bad manners. I picked that up as a child as sex always went by that description.
For me, having been brought up in a household most of you would be familiar with, sex wasn’t and unfortunately still isn’t an easy topic to dive in with the folks and even siblings. Mention the word sex and people freeze, giggle, or pretend not to have heard you. We can call it everything else but not what it is or should at least be.
I feel a tiny bit comfortable to write about it now because I feel it is okay to. I want to challenge myself to be able to talk about it because it is something that will always come up. It is a part of our life. I also want to believe that a greater percentage of people already know what sex is.
Sex is a topic I would never imagine having with my parents but I believe that they assume I have sex and at the end of the day, so what! My mother wouldn’t have sat me down at 24 years old for the first time to talk to me about contraceptives if she didn’t already assume I was having sex. Right? Right.
It wouldn’t be shocking though to hear that there are still so many misconceptions about and around sex that some of us believe. It saddens me that my younger sister told me that they don’t have any adequate sex education in her school. I asked one of my younger brothers if they have had anyone talk to them about sex and I was shocked when he said no. Well, I don’t know why I was shocked, but I was hoping that after my time in high school and with the so much change that has been, this would at least be a topic taught in schools.
I am however of the opinion, sex education should start at home. Parents taking the responsibility to educate their children about this important aspect of life should already be a thing. Maybe it should start as early as your child begins to ask or becomes curious around that area. That is a great opportunity to teach them what you would love them to know and in their level of understanding. They will definitely get curious and they might even ask questions about it.
If for whatsoever overwhelming reason a parent cannot talk to their offspring about sex, they can intentionally delegate a close and trusted person to have that talk or those talks with their kids and follow up closely. Because unfortunately, we all know an ugly story whereby the most trusted of persons molested or raped a kid. So parents beware and trust your kids when they come to you with what seems uncomfortable and unbelievable stories.
When your own flesh and blood comes to you crying that so and so touched them inappropriately or did shameful things to them and instead you chose to shame your child and not believe them, that is trauma you instill in your child. You destroy the trust your child has in you as their god on earth. They might cease to see you as their protector.
I would be interested to hear stories of fathers and mothers who actively take the initiative to talk to their sons and daughters about this matter without shaming it. I do not understand how such a supposedly normal, beautiful, and magical activity can be shamed and forbidden without an explanation that makes sense. It is through it that a lot of us were conceived and introduced to this world and I don’t want to think of it as evil.
I strongly feel that letting your child learn such a crucial thing all by themselves, you know, discovering and navigating around it by chance, or being taught by the messed-up world could be traumatizing and they are more likely to take even more risks and be in more danger because who knows, the guidelines they are more likely to follow are the myths created by I don’t know who and for I don’t know what reasons.In the name of them discovering their sexuality and testing this thing sex without their parents loving, raw, honest, and true guidance they will be more likely to make the mistakes you will hold on their necks for a long time. You will scold, loath, and be disappointed by your child for something you never gave them insight on.
Ironically, parents will sternly warn their daughters not to be seen with any boys without a mere honest explanation, and by the age of 25, they will be asking for a son in law and grandchildren. Like how, where, and when?
When is it okay for a girl to start dating? When should a girl magically bring a man home? At what age?
How does a girl make these babies that are demanded by aunties and uncles? Where was a girl supposed to learn all that? Doesn’t all these fit into that sex education package that our guardians should dutifully and clearly take us through? I think so.
Parents, spare us for the many sins we commit at times. Most times we don’t realize they are sin. Sometimes the world misguides us because you shy away. Don’t deny us your guidance in the name of it’s taboo to talk to us about particular topics. We come through you and it should be an honor to know how. Enlighten us with your knowledge and who knows, we will commit lesser sins.
Talking about sex isn’t me aiming to normalize having it aimlessly. It is about normalizing access to information around it from experienced genuine people. There are loads of information one should be equipped with before indulging in it. You need to be aware of how to protect yourself, possible infections, and other diseases that are sexually related, contraceptives and so much more. It is a lot to deal with hence why I’ll say sex is for adults. Adults who know exactly what sex is and the consequences that come with it. Adults who can tackle these consequences and take full responsibility.
Teenagers are probably overwhelmed with misguided information about sex or have none of that information hence why we have so many of them raising children they have no business having at their age. We have many young girls dying undergoing abortions. Pregnancies they might have avoided if they were guided. The youth is rushing to engage in sex without first discovering who they are and what they want for their life.
If you are a young-ie reading this, I’ll tell you that sex is sacred. Don’t be pressured by anyone to have it. If you are a virgin. That is something to be proud of. You have to fully understand that there are consequences you will have to deal with after you start having sex. There should be no rush as sex isn’t going anywhere. Abstaining doesn’t make you weak. If anything, it keeps you focused. You have so much you can accomplish, work on yourself, discover yourself and I promise you the right time will come and you will know it.
For information on sex, you can reach out to trusted sources for genuine and honest guidance. Please don’t shy away. You just need to research a bit. I just hope your parent(s) or guardian can be this source. Because they should be the ones who never want you to go astray.
I totally agree with you on parents educating their children about sex. You might be surprised that in this era some parents can’t even tell their children the real names of their private parts. Honestly I don’t think it’s easy to just talk about some things with your children. I know this coz I am a parent now and it scares me when I think of having such conversations with my kids. And also, it is a challenge to know what kind of information and how much of it is appropriate for a child. But I have to find a way to do it coz there are a bunch of things I wish my parents told me /guided me on, especially about sex and dating.
100% with you! As a parent it is my duty to teach n guide my child through all aspects of life, the hard, the cringeworthy, the funny. At 3 my daughter knows she has a vaginas, boys have a penis, it is just a body part like all the others only it is private, n so is mine n so is daddy’s. There is no shame in sexuality like you said, but our culture would have us think otherwise. It all stems from fear, fear we will have sex, get pregnant, ruin our lives and shame them😔. Fear keeps them from guiding us and not much has changed, I guess it’s upto our generation to break this passed down taboos that serve no one.